Keeping a Soft Heart After Child Loss

Yesterday I gave the news that we'd miscarried our baby. Today I want to talk a little more about that. My history in a nutshell: I became pregnant with my first child at 19 and my last child at 33. Before this recent baby, I birthed nine children in 13 years. To say the least, infertility was not a word I associated with.

After my 2012 baby, we figured it would be business as usual. We packed up the clothes and baby paraphernalia and waited. Waited. Still waited.

After a year, I began to panic. Wait a minute! I'm the girl who has a baby every. single. year. Where's the baby?

After two years, depression began to creep in. What is my purpose now???

After three years, anger and resentment. I can't handle baby showers. Baby dedications. Baby anything. It's not fair.

After four years, I stuck a toe out in the water. Perhaps God's actually in control of this?

And for the last year, I'd been working on being settled with this new me. I'd given away most of the baby stuff---I even held an eight month old, awkwardly, as a friend needed to make a phone call. I'd begun to think about my health more, the trim and strong figure that was lost long ago, the other directions God was taking me.

Then, out of nowhere, I was pregnant again.

Joy! Rapture! Total elation! That's what I showed on the outside. On the inside, I knew. My over 40 friends knew. I probably wasn't going to get to keep this baby. For me, it had little to do with statistics (I turned 39 last week). I just knew. The Lord gave. The Lord took away. Blessed be his name in all circumstances.

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The decision to announce my high risk pregnancy so early was not made lightly. There are several risks for someone my age and weight. I wasn't blind to them. No, the decision to announce, knowing that I'd likely be logging back on to announce our disappointment later, was made with eyes wide open.

For two weeks, we celebrated God's miracle of life. For two weeks, our family made plans and dreamed about life with a new baby.

For two weeks, Brenna was a big sister and my teens imagined their new sibling playing toys with its future nieces and nephews.

For two weeks we had hope. Today we still have hope.

Jamie and I chose to announce this young life so early because it was a life. Its life has value and purpose and we are honored to have celebrated.

And we are honored to mourn.

Never be afraid to pick a flower, even though you know it will wither. My mom has said this to me my whole life. The older I get, the more I truly get this.

When we lose someone precious, when a dream and a prayer dies, our first reaction is often to pull away from everything good around us. To isolate---so we don't have to deal with the pain in public. That's what I did the first time I lost a child. It took me ten years to come out of that isolation. That's a long time, sister.

I'm fighting that urge to isolate with every inch of my being. Just like last time, I have a husband and kids who not only need me, but want me to be there for them...and they, in turn, want to help me heal. I have friends who want to be there for us during this time. I have work to do, ministry to give, encouragement to spread, hope to shine out. As much as I want to scream at the top of my lungs, break things, break people, break me---more of me wants to give, serve, love, be vulnerable, and let God use this.

This doesn't make the pain lessen so much as it redirects my motivation. God will use all things for his good purposes if we'll release them to him. I have to walk through the pain either way---might as well be a witness on the way.

When life stuff hits, I don't think the answer is to turn away, crouch low, and wait for it to blow over. That didn't work so well for me in the past. This time, I think I'll try grabbing God's hand, and turning to face it---head up, eyes wide, arms wide, heart open.

Our Heartbreak---and Something Fun, Too!

Good Morning, Friends! Hope everyone is enjoying some crisp, cool Fall weather!

We have some sad news---our baby has passed away. We are all pretty heartbroken here. Please pray for us---especially our other kids who were so excited at the thought of a new sibling after so long.

About a year and a half ago, I started The Victorian Letter Writers Guild. Since then, almost 200 women from all over the world have signed up for a custom-chosen pen friend. I've just opened the newest round of the pen friend exchange and would love to have you join! Just visit the blog for more information. 

Thanks for stopping by The Homemaking Party!

Linking with: Beverly's Pink Saturday

From Fezzik to Buttercup: Starting My Second Week

Finally had the energy to cut up these vegetables I bought last week! This is literally the first time I've done this in 7 years. I always had my kids do it because I was too tired.

 Today starts the first day of the second week of my quest for better health! Other than our anniversary dinner and dessert yesterday (which was a planned "cheat"---ended up throwing away more than I ate!) I've stayed totally on my plan for one week. That is a miracle of epic proportions! (Remember when I said I didn't know if I could do it for even one day?) God has been so faithful to allow me to experience so many changes this week and I'm so encouraged! I had some trepidation when I decided to "go public" with this weight struggle, but I truly believe it was God-lead. 

Here are just some of the things I'm experiencing after my first week on Trim Healthy Mama:

• A LOT of energy. I am a napper...or WAS a napper. I've not been able to take a nap in a week. I've tried. I've begged and pleaded---nuthin'. Can't sleep. But I'm getting great sleep at night! Instead, I'm getting housework done that I usually put off on one of the kids. I'm also making everyone crazy by dancing around the house and singing silly made up songs all. day. long.
• Regular sleep schedule. I'm going to sleep about 11:00 pm and waking about 6:00. Much better than the 2am-7:30am schedule that exhausted me in the mornings and caused me to sleep three hours in the afternoons.
• Looser fitting clothing. A lot of this is due to a huge decrease in inflammation, but I'm probably going to be tossing some shirts by next weekend!
• Far less pain. I'm able to sit down, stand up, Fight! Fight! Fight! much easier. 
• I waddle a little less. That's always nice.
• NO SUGAR CRAVINGS! I didn't really even have much of a crazy sugar detox episode. There was one night when I was unexplainably sad for the evening....but, other than that, I've been only happy and headache-free! I think I can attribute this to eating mainly "S" meals. I've heard that helps with the sugar cravings and it seems to be true in my case!
• Hope. I feel hopeful that I can conquer this giant. I feel God working in my life, I know he's anointed me to do this good thing. I'm excited!

I'm feeling good and happy and motivated and all that great stuff! Hope this blesses you, as well!